Has Life Been Unfair?

As the year, 2017 ends,  I put together my assorted thoughts, observations, and experiences in this year, as a special needs parent of Peu, who has CDKL5, a rare genetic disorder.  You will definitely relate to the topics and may want to share your opinion on them. I look forward to receive your responses.

Fun and Entertainment
We often reflect and wonder, ‘Has life been fair with us? Why do we and our child have to suffer so much when rest of the world is having all the fun and enjoyment that we too had once dreamed of? What is our fault?’

Over the years, I have realized that the above thoughts arise only in our minds, our child does not perceive life that way. A child’s outlook is limited to her interaction with her parents, her care givers, and the environment around her. She has no clarity if she is missing out anything. Therefore in her current perceived environment, there is unlimited possibility to keep her and ourselves entertained.

Identify what keeps your child physically engaged within her capacity. For Peu, we place dolls and toys in her vicinity. She rolls over to them, pulls them down and we notice a glint of smile in her eyes. And this does give us happiness and opportunities to keep her engaged and entertained.

Figure out your child’s likes and plan activities around them. For us, as a family, food is a common topic of interest and currently is the primary source of family involvement and entertainment. Peu loves to eat. We love to try out new recipes and cuisines. Peu participates right from the step of menu selection, recipe discussion, cooking, and then having the meal together. It is a family experience that is entertaining for all. She seems to know that we are discussing about a recipe. She signals by smacking her lips and making light noises letting us know that she too is game for it. While cooking, she refuses to be anywhere else but in the kitchen, patiently watching us and even willing to taste. if she feels we are taking too long to put together our meal, she raises her feet and makes a loud noise informing us about her dissatisfaction. At the dinner table, she enjoys the meal with us. This activity has become a daily routine in our life. She enjoys the whole experience and looks forward to the next food session.

Experiments with Food

In one of my previous posts, I described my findings on how we seemed to have found a way to control her seizures. This year we did some experiments with food on Peu and the discoveries henceforth.

Her seizure episodes increase if she has any form of infection or if she is exposed to loud voice or noise. Avoiding the above two triggers meant no clinical seizures. During her seizure free days, I introduced a few food items that I restricted earlier. I experimented with rice, wheat, pulses (lentils), night shade vegetables, and yogurt. I did not see any increase in seizures. Thus Peu gets to eat normally as other kids. This is a big progressive step and relief for us. However, when her seizure episodes occur due to an infection or exposure to loud voices, I completely stop these food items as they are known to cause excitement in the nervous system. When she bounces back to the seizure ( those that are visible or clinical) free state, I gradually restart those food items. I continue to give her the supplements and am very particular about her Calcium supplement.


We often complain, ‘why do others stare at our children? Have we committed a crime to deserve their strange looks and why do they embarrass or irritate us with their silly questions?’

Aren’t we being too harsh? If we get into their shoes, we realize that their reaction is nothing but curiosity combined with empathy or sympathy to the least. They might be trying to relate our child’s condition with a special needs child in their extended family or friend circle. It does sound fair enough isn’t? How do we handle such a situation, neither being embarrassed nor being rude?
This is how I deal with it. The moment I see a curious person approaching us, I display a broad smile on my face. Immediately there is a 360 degree change in their reaction. As a natural tendency, they smile back and all queries in their mind takes a back seat. Once the pleasantries are exchanged, both sides share more information willingly and the acquaintance may lead to other good consequences.

Life after Us

After we are gone, what will happen to our child? This question haunts every special need parent. This question leads to lot of stress, disturbing your current life enormously.

I refuse to get boggled by this question. It may seem impractical, but in my mind I firmly believe that either I will outlive her or we will leave the Earth together. I will always be there to take care of her in the most loving way that I have been doing so far. I do not want to get stressed with the future that is not in my hands and I feel something will surely come up if  the situation requires. The biggest advantage of such a thought process is that I consciously take care of my health be it physical, mental or emotional as i need to be fit enough to be able to live up to my expectations as a caregiver for long. This has been wonderful and beneficial for Peu and for me.

An alternative approach to this issue is to set up a support system for your child that would take care of her even when you are gone. There is no guarantee though and this exercise may need you to acquire in-depth legal know-how. Keeping life simple, I stick to the first approach.

Thoughts and Worry

Special needs parents  are constantly lost in thoughts about doctor’s appointments, medicine schedule, medicine refill schedule, therapy appointments, food allergies, immune system, side effects of medicines, special need equipment, seizure log, progress, prognosis, and more, besides the constant fear of having to rush to emergency any time of the day. Despite these kind of thoughts, we tend to find joy as we learn to become compassionate caregivers for our children. Let us not forget that normal parents are in the same state but their topics are slightly different, homework, after school classes, food & nutrition, sports practices, play dates, dentist appointments, project work, and parent teachers’ meeting, and device addiction to name a few.

I wish to conclude that life is fair for all. It is in our hands how we live it.

Here’s wishing all of you a wonderful new year and may the year 2018 be a joyous and fruitful one for you, your family, and friends.






In India, it is considered a taboo, specifically among special needs parents to openly discuss about their child’s latest progress lest it regresses. We too were scared to utter about her seizures stopping during the honeymoon periods. I look back now and realize the reason. It is because parents have an intense fear of losing whatever progress has been achieved. They are in a state of confusion about the cause or reason behind the progress.

Currently, we are no longer in that bandwagon anymore. I firmly confirm that our findings hold good till date. Applying our discoveries are working for our daughter Peu who is diagnosed with CDKL5, a rare genetic disorder. We continue to see progress in her. I wrote my findings in my previous post. Nailing down our discoveries was a time consuming process and can be termed as a memorable journey of discovery. The journey still continues.

How I wish I could dedicate this post to make tall claims about Peu’s progress. I do aspire that one day I will write how Peu learns to crawl, sit, stand, walk, and talk. In this post, I just wish to mention that we continue see subtle cognitive progress in Peu. It is touching to see her give responsive smiles to specific toys, vocalize in different tones at different situations, share smiling glances with dolls of her choice and engage in a playful conversation in her own way with her stuffed toys. Each morning, her wake up time is no more marred by a seizure episode.snap2

Through this post I wish to convey a message to parents: arise and awake!! Take charge of the situation, gear up your sensitivity, and trust your instincts.You and only you have the power to identify and troubleshoot issues that your child faces. Each child is different and it is not wise to apply the same methodology for all. Your child’s body is constantly giving cues and signals of what is not working well. Though a human body has immense power to repair on its own, we can support that immaculate engineering. Instead we give medicines for each symptom, be it seizures, acid reflux, breathing issues, digestive problems, sleep issues, bone issues, the list is endless. These issues are mere signals and we are capping them off, inviting more pain and suffering. Finally we land up in emergency situations.

Ask yourself, “Have any (or which) of the numerous medicines that you give your child several times a day helped to eliminate the issues altogether?”. If yes then you should have been able to stop the medicines after some time. Instead you seem to increase the dose over a period of time and then add another because the earlier one lost its efficacy  or did not work altogether. The consequence is that the body gradually looses its ability to heal itself due to this external interference with haphazard chemical overload. Then you fall into a loop of aiding the body and brain with external devices and instruments. And all along your child suffers and only suffers silently. You blame the underlying disease for all the pain and suffering. It is us, our ignorance, our fears and our lack of faith in our parental instinct. I gently repeat , arise and awake!!

I conclude this post with a humble request to try initiating a different approach in your mind and that approach should solely be based on your child’s reaction, response and body signals because you being a parent is empowered to sense those. Let us work with our children not in a standardized way but in an exclusively customized maybe non-standardized way. Ultimately it is a win win situation for your child and you.charge2

Feedback, questions, and thoughts are always welcome.


Diagnosis – Part 1

This post is the story of my daughter’s diagnosis, which we received when she was 4 years and 2 months old. Till then we were clueless. My daughter Peu, has CDKL5 disorder, a rare genetic disorder marked by early onset of seizures.
The objective of writing the story is to reiterate my belief that when you want something very badly, or have your goals clear in your mind, the whole world around you comes together and helps you to make it happen. In this story, I describe how we could meet our goals with every one’s kind support. The key takeaway from this post is ‘set a goal, do not get stressed out about the goal , think about it and work on it consistently. It has to happen’.

It was over three years, we had been trying to control Peu’s seizures. That was the only focus for us and all doctors we met in India. We thought, we could kick in some development in her if and only if her seizures stopped. We relentlessly strove to achieve freedom from seizures. No medicine seemed to help and as a last resort, we started ketogenic diet continued it, hoping one day it would stop her seizures. Amidst this chaos, we were intrigued by not being able to solve the mystery: “why does she have the seizures”. All possible tests ( metabolic screening, skin biopsy, MRI and hundreds of other blood tests) available in India, came back normal. There were many speculations and the reasons which seemed plausible were her dipping heart beat during labor and any trauma resulting from the the umbilical cord wrapped three times around her neck. However none of these were conclusive and most doctors agreed that the consequence could not be so devastating. We desperately wanted an answer but un-willingly accepted the diagnosis of ‘Cryptogenic Infantile Spasm’ and assumed the cause will remain a mystery for ever.

Her EEGs never showed any specific focus, yet I wrote to Dr Harry Chugani, who specializes in surgery for Infantile Spasm cases, asking for help. He immediately responded and asked us to do a PET scan. My heart skips a beat each time I see the video. The PET scan report, clearly read ‘ hypometabolism in the left temporal lobe’, which meant there could be one specific problem area in her brain . My hopes raised, maybe we could stop her seizures surgically and I imagined, how after surgery she would start doing things that we were desperate to see her do. I read a lot about pediatric neuro surgery. This was when Peu was 18 months old and I set a goal of vising Dr Harry Chugani in Detroit, USA. Seemed like next to impossible but there is no harm setting it in your mind. Meanwhile, Dr Chugani, recommended us to visit, ‘Sree Chitra Tirunal Institute for Medical Sciences and Technology (SCTIMST), Kerala, India’ for surgical evaluation. After two days of EEG monitoring, the doctors at Sri Chitra Institute concluded that she was not a surgery case at present. All my imaginary scenes fell flat. We got back to our efforts to control her seizures.

When Peu was around 2.5 years in October 2012, I read about the Anat Baniel Method (ABM) from the Infantile Spasm Yahoo group,and how it was very effective for special needs children and that it was based on the principles of brain plasticity. I immediately bought her book ‘ Kids Beyond Limits  ‘ and got her DVD ‘Children With Special Needs ‘ . My dream to apply ABM on Peu got recorded in my brain. Her book fascinated me. I tried to follow her suggestions from the book. Meanwhile I worked actively to figure out if an ABM practitioner could travel to India. We found a practitioner, Robin Peter Zander who willingly agreed to travel to India and see a small group of children. He was flexible and ever willing to make this trip happen. ABM was unheard in India and it is expensive. Convincing other parents for an intensive ABM program was a tough task, due to the huge cost involved, and I gradually stopped working on it aggressively. However my wish to apply ABM on Peu grew stronger.

I joined facebook groups of parents whose children received ABM therapy. They are informative and the discussions are useful. When I had posted a query in one such group, regarding Cortical Visual Impairment (CVI) . Michelle Turner messaged me with various techniques and shared with me several videos for free. Michelle is a movement integration specialist and educator. I saw an instant effect on applying the techniques shown in her videos. Her detailed videos are extremely useful. The advantage was that her sessions are not as expensive as ABM and she was always available to answer your queries. Thoughts about having her travel to India came up in my mind and I shared the idea with other parents in India. Incidentally, she has started making trips to India and her second visit is scheduled in August 2015.

In my response to a message to Anat Baniel, she wrote that the method would work best if her seizures are controlled. In September 2013, for the first time in three years of Peu’s life, her seizures stopped. This was the time when we had completely weaned her off all medicines and she was on ketogenic diet, for past one year. I realized it was the time to take action and apply ABM on Peu. This was when my goal became concrete and things started falling in place. We set a goal to move to US so that we could provide ABM sessions on Peu as soon as practically possible.

First and foremost, we needed a visa to move to USA and that would be possible if one of us got a job in USA. Peu’s father started his job search. It seemed like a coincidence or maybe because our goal had to be met. My husband got a job opportunity in San Antonio, Texas. It seemed our first pre-requisite was met. There were a series of tough interviews with his potential employer and Peu’s dad seamlessly cleared them and he had an offer to join in January 2014.

I found that San Antonio had an ABM practitioner, a physiotherapist named Cyndi Manes. I was overjoyed. She immediately responded to my email and helped me by hand holding me with the steps that needed to be completed beforehand, so that we could see her as soon as possible, after reaching San Antonio. She being a physiotherapist (PT) was an icing on the cake because medical insurance in US does not cover ABM sessions but it does cover PT sessions.

My husband had to travel earlier than us so that he could make all suitable arrangements before Peu landed in San Antonio. The next challenge was me travelling with Peu on a 30 hours flight. My brother, Dipangkar volunteered to come down to India and accompany me and Peu to San Antonio, while Peu’s father got things ready for us there. This issue also seemed to have got resolved.

My brother, mother and father in law (Bhowmik family), most willingly took up the responsibility of looking after our house and set up in Bangalore, India.

Our family friend, the Bharadwajs (Nishita and Shankar) unconditionally accepted to take care of my ailing father while I was away in another country for my daughter.

My school mate and dear friend Shyamlee, wholeheartedly agreed to visit and give company to my father.

My office colleagues and manager had always supported me for the last 3 years while I worked from home and then supported my decision to quit my job before traveling.

I conclude the first part of this post reinforcing my belief that when I have set a goal everyone around me will come together and support my efforts to make it happen.

In the second part of this post, I will describe how our goal of seeing some developments in Peu was met and how the mystery of her uncontrollable seizures was solved.